Mixed Emotions

Ethan's surgery is scheduled for May 15, 2012. 

Two weeks from Ethan's first surgery to close his lip and there is a list of emotions I am feeling:

• Proud
• Relieved
• Scared
• Powerless
• Nervous
• Overwhelmed
• Prepared
• Blessed

Proud:  There was a time when I wondered if we would ever reach the point where he was ready to have his first surgery.  I was not sure he would keep the NAM device in and I wasn't sure my taping abilities would have the results the doctor was looking for.  I am proud of Ethan because he has been a trooper through everything so far. His face started bleeding from the tape and he never cried about it, not a single tear, not even a frown.  He has remained one of the happiest babies I have ever known.

Relieved:  This is about knowing we have reached the first major step in Ethan's journey.  I will focus on worrying about the next step a little later.

Scared:  I am filled with fear for the pain my child will feel.  I try not to focus on this much, but when he looks up at me with his big, beautiful, blue eyes, my heart breaks just a little bit thinking about what those eyes will tell me in two weeks.  I am afraid I will not recognize Ethan.  This surgery will change his appearance and I am in love with him the way he is now.  I know I will love him just the same, but he will be different.  I will miss his big wide smile!

Powerless: There are two ways I feel powerless in this process. I will want to take away Ethan's pain, and there is nothing I can do about that.  I am not usually the kind of person that asks for drugs, but I hope there are some good drugs given to Ethan.  The doctors we have chosen are incredible, but I will have no control over the outcome of the surgery, I cannot go to the OR with him.  I am placing all my hopes for Ethan in their hands. 

Nervous: One of the things most parents do not have to think about is how to feed their infant child.  You give them a bottle, they suck the milk down and their baby is full and happy.  Feeding Ethan has never been easy and I am very nervous that it will only get harder.  We will meet with the feeding specialist the day before his surgery and she will tell us a few of the differences to expect, but this will not ease my mind and I know I will be nervous until he takes a good bottle.

Overwhelmed: This comes feeling comes from so many places, not just Ethan's surgery.  Sometimes it feels like the "to-do" list gets bigger everyday.  I know this is just part of being a mom!

Prepared:  I have signed the forms, called the insurance company, arranged for family to be here to help, and taken notes and written my last minute questions out.  These are the few things I can control.

Blessed:  Admittedly, the other emotions are what I have been focusing on the most.  However, I do know my family is blessed.  God has taken care of me and my family and I know he will continue. 

What the tape has done to my poor baby's face